No oxygen!

Yesterday you started breathing completely on your own! Daddy went in in the morning and asked how your oxygen was, and when he walked into the room your wires were out! I couldn't stop crying! This was such a big step in your little life. I broke down today. I didn't just cry, but screamed. I just went into the bathroom, laid on the floor, and lost it. You had another bradychardia episode, so the not knowing of when they will stop just killed me at that moment. I wanna date. I wanna known when you will be home! But there's no way of knowing if you keep having those! So please, please stop. People say I'm thinking of myself, but it's hard not to hurt, especially since they upped your feedings on the breast to three times! Who's gonna watch my kids so I can feed you three times? Another reason I lost it. So incase it is me being selfish I'm sorry. I want you to get better more than anything, but it's just hard not having you here in my arms, or over in a crib when I just want to look at your sweet self. Especially since your getting to know who I am! It kills me thinking that you miss me :/ well I am going to call and check on your feeding! You've gained three oz today! The nurses couldn't believe it. You are now more than you were when you were born. You are five pounds nine oz.

Best feeling

I got to breast feed you today!!!! It was the best feeling ever! You latched and sucked for probably 10 min. You did so good! You wouldn't eat off of the other, but drank a full bottle! You little oinker! They also dropped your oxygen today and didn't have to turn it back up! So you are on .06. You only have one more notch to go before you are completely off!! How amazing!! I love you so much Tressel! I bought you some onsies today also so that you can have something to fit you up there! You weigh five lbs five oz. They gave you powder in your milk to fatten you up! I will see you in a little bit!

Happy baby

Today was good and bad. I got a lot of quality time with you today. Just me and you. You were awake for like an hr. and then I got to feed you. I was looking forward to coming back to see you but unfortunately mommy has gotten the flu!:( I was so sad! Especially when I saw how happy you were! You've been drinking more than your supposed to! So that's wonderful. Now if we could only get your heart to stop having episodes! Today while I was holding you, your heart minister went to zero! Scariest moment of my life!! But I guess it was just the connection! Well I'm gonna go. I love you my little buddy! Hope I get to see you tomorrow! You be good! No more heart drops please! Oh yea tonight was the first time daddy got to feed you!

Big Day

Today was a big day. Last night when we left the hospital we were told that it was "likely" you would get your uvc out today and would be moving to a crib. That's exactly what happened!!! I got there about 11am and it was already out!!! Yay! While holding you for the first time, I got to feed you your very first feeding from a bottle!( with mommys milk of course) This was the best feeling ever!!! You drank about half, and the other half from the tube. She told me to burp you..I started crying. I was finally getting to be your mommy. While I was holding you, you pooped. So guess what else I got to do?? Change your diaper!! I have been on cloud nine all day! I hope you enjoyed being held! Daddy, Nana and papa,as well as your uncle Jason and and aunt melissa got to hold you today! I fed you twice, and showed up while you were getting your 9 pm feeding. You ate all of your bottle! Good job little buddy! Your brothers cant wait to see you. Every time i show kelan your picture he asks where your dinosaur is that he gave us to give you. I showed Chandlar your picture and he pointed out your eyes, nose, mouth, and ears!! WWe love you. I will see you tomorrow! just got news your feeding tube is out! Yay!! Sleep good little baby!

Hurting

Mommys up crying thinking of your pretty little face. I wish I was snuggled up next to you. This is so hard. I feel like you need your mommy and I'm not able to be there for you. I'm sorry. I love you so much little buddy.

The beginning continued..

I get to the hospital and wait for what seems like an hr. before someone comes in to get things started. I had gotten myself so worked up that I had started sweating and feeling like I was going to pass out. Finally around like 8pm they got things started. The pain didnt start for like 2 hrs. As soon as the pain got just a little unbearable I decided to get the epidural. I was still at 3 cm. so I figured this was going to be a long night of pain. I was terrified of something going wrong, but I made it through and it took. The pain was much more manageable now. I labored all night not really getting any sleep. I get checked at 5 o'clock..still 3 cm. My new nurse comes in, and boy was she awesome. She said ill have you delivered by eight. By 7 o'clock I was ready to have you. 7:04am you were born. 5 lbs 8 oz. perfect. Daddy cut the chord and you were instantly taken to be worked on. They got you wrapped up, I saw you for two seconds and you were out the door. You had my heart. We were together for nine months and suddenly we were separated. It was an empty feeling. I laid there for quite some time just thinking of you and how you were doing. I had to have the epidural wear off before I could come see you. It took forever!!! And then it was time. They brought in the wheel chair and I was off.

You were awake for mommy and daddy tonight. They also told us you may be getting your Uvc out tomorrow and moving to an open crib which means..we get to hold you!!!

The beginning

Well I decided to start this up so that way I have something to look back to when all of this is said and done. Well here is how it all started. It was a Thursday afternoon and I had a normal dr. Appt. set for 4:00. Although it wasn't going to be normal for it was my first check up I was going to get checked for dilation. Turns out it was far from a normal 36 wk. check up. I get called in before I got the chance to even sit down. I wait nervously for probably like 20 minutes when the dr. I'm meeting for the first time comes in. She first checks to see if I'm dilated. 2 cm she says. I start to get a little nervous. Well I guess you can be 2 cm for awhile I thought to myself. I then proceed to tell her I think I might be leaking. So she gets a strip out to see if it turns blue (meaning amniotic fluid). Yep it sure did. She takes a speculum and goes to test it. Meanwhile I stand up and leak right onto the floor. She comes in and tells me she can't really tell cause there was too much mucous on it. So I tell her about the leak on the floor. She puts a strip down and sure enough...BRIGHT BLUE!! Her words were "your having a baby!" I'll never forget those words. This is probably the scariest encounter I will ever have. A million things running through my head. "Where are my kids going to go?, I gotta call Andrew., Will my baby be okay?" I then head across the street to the hospital...and it all began.